Today's lesson: redirection, part 2 - home vs. classroom

I lost count many years ago of how many times I heard this (or a variation of it) - "I don't know why (s)he listens so well here, but not at home!" Parents, cut yourself some slack! Teachers have your kids for 4-6 hours M-F, excluding holidays and in-service days, and even if your child is in daycare full time, the fact remains that a school or daycare have one thing in common - the same exact setting and routine that never changes. And I promise you on the days where there is a birthday party or a special presentation, no one's child listens; your child's teachers will say subtle, positive, and non-condemning remarks like "Oh you know, today we had (insert routine disrupting event) so it was just a really exciting day overall, and (insert child's name) really enjoyed him/herself today." In parent talk that means "your child was hyper as hell and didn't listen to a damn thing I said and I wanted to pull my hair out." But there's a reason teachers say it that way. We understand the importance of consistency and routine for a child, so as frustrated (and maybe a little more bald than we were that morning when we came to work) as we are, we KNOW it's not the child's "fault." Their predictable environment was shattered, so they go crazy. As adults (for the most part), we internalize and/or experience physical side effects such as headaches and stomach pains when our routines get disrupted, but kids get hyper and forget how to follow the rules. They forget to follow the rules because rules are specific to their environment AND the supervising adults in that environment; following the rules is not an innate, natural occurrence that transcends all environments. Example - there are implied rules (behaviors) that are deemed appropriate at a sporting event, but as an adult, you know that in church it is not acceptable to yell at the person working the power point projector when the incorrect slide pops up or shout out "ouch! Ooooo" when the worship leader plays or sings the wrong note or words or call out "instant replay!" when filling out your notes and you miss a fill-in-the-blank on your outline. The same cannot be said for a child. Unless it is previously established by the supervising adult, they will do as they please, how they please. So what does that have to do with redirection? You don't have to have a multiples of a single type of toy or a variety of toys. You do not need a huge house or sprawling backyard. You do not need your child's teacher. All it takes is consistency - consistent expectations and consistent consequences to behavior that diverges from what is desired. Before children have the ability to fully comprehend complex verbal explanation (for most children 2 years and under), it's important to use a word or short phrase with an action that communicates that it is an undesired action. My son learned recently not to touch the dirt pile that I sweep up. It took several "not for you"'s and removing him from the pile for about a week (I sweep every other day) but during this most recent cleaning episode I was about 6 feet away and saw him going for the pile, so I firmly said "not for you," he stopped, pulled his hand back, and after telling me no and doing his shooing me away action, he crawled away on his own to play with something else, knowing full well that I would be removing him from the dirt pile if he did not remove himself - he is 11.5 months old. For your older kids, you have verbal communication on your side. Be consistent with what you communicate and model the behavior that you expect from your child. Redirection depends on choices. Giving choices might sound like the kid is calling the shots. Not so. In the classroom the choices look like this - "you can use the scissors to cut you paper or if you're going to cut your hair with them you can put them away." If the child continues to attempt or sucessfully cut one's hair, the choice is given "do you want to put your scissors away or do you want me to put your scissors away?" As opposed to suddenly ripping the scissors out of the child's hands without warning or explanation the first time the child attempted to cut his/her own (or someone else's) hair. At home, choices take on the same feeling with different specifics. The key to to communicate the desired behavior, communicate the consequence give the child a choice as to whether or not (s)he chooses to comply, and in the event the child does not comply, allow that child to initiate the consequence or have it initiated for him/her. Redirection is not the child calling the shots and it is not bargaining. Redirection is using natural, direct consequences to undesired behaviors and clearly communicating and modeling desired behaviors, which means it can happen in your home just as it does in the classroom.

Today's lesson: redirection...what makes it work?

Buzz word alert: redirection! It's replaced the word "consequence" in most conversations concerning discipline, oh oops...I meant encouraging positive behavior. Due to current research, the field of child development has come up with several procedures termed "best practices," one of which is redirection. Redirection occurs when a there is a conflict between children or unwanted/undesired behavior from a particular child by giving the child two choices, and it often includes an element of distraction, just like any successful magic trick. Redirection is exactly what it sounds like an adult is redirecting the child's fixation towards something or someone else that will bring about desired behavior or a more positive environment or interaction. Redirection is not negotiation, but many well meaning supervising adults confuse the two. Example: 4 year old child in sandbox fights with another 4 year old child over awesome dump truck of which the school only has one. Negotiation - if you let him play with it first, then I'll let you have snack first for being so nice. Redirection - you two can decide how you want to use the truck together or I can put the truck away if you can't agree on how you can both use it and we can try again tomorrow. 99% of the time a mutually beneficial arrangement in reached without the adult having to even raise an eyebrow. Let's go younger...less verbal skills...maybe no verbal skills - toddlers fighting over a toy car: Negotiation - teacher says, "please can he have that? How about you have this one? Look how it's prettier and nicer than that one. Redirection: teacher creates some space between the two toddlers, maybe even faces them away from each other, and then takes one of the toddlers (either one) and enthusiastically says "oooo, look at this car!" Toddler takes car and goes to play leaving the other toddler to play with original toy. What makes redirection work so well? When there is a conflict or undesired behavior, it doesn't usurp the supervising adult's authority for the sake of a child's autonomy; it is authoritative, not authoritarian, which has been proven to yield positive relationships and socially and emotionally competent people; it respects all parties involved; and, it does not risk physical harm or send confusing messages like "if I'm bigger, then I'll get my way" or "once I'm bigger I get to make the rules and let the people I like get what they want and the people I don't like won't get anything." I can go on, but for now I won't. I'll write again about redirection in the home versus classroom next time. :)

Today's lesson: you can't do it all, but you can do a lot

Time management is a skill.  People actually have been known to put "excellent time management skills" on their resumes.  It was never something I realized was a skill until I entered the workforce - not all time managers are created equal.  Being on time is a skill.  People have been known to put "punctual" on their resumes.  I always assumed before entering the workforce that punctuality was mandatory, not a skill.  Multitasking is a skill - a skill I've found that the vast majority of the male population, despite their best efforts, are not naturally inclined towards.  I have seen the men that do claim to be able to multitask, often have a mother, wife, girlfriend or paid female personal assistant/office manager/receptionist/lackey that is the one actually doing the multitasking while they think they're actually pulling off the elusive feat known as multitasking. However, they're all skills...skills are learned.  Just as people are naturally good at math/science or drawing/painting or throwing/catching a ball, time management, punctuality, and multitasking are skills. People who are not naturally inclined towards a particular skill can learn how to do it effectively, even masterfully.  People who are already naturally good at a skill can become better.  A teacher who does not have elementary time management and multitasking skills, and lacks punctuality will find their job daunting.  I never struggled in my classrooms finding a system effective system, my class often ran like clockwork and everything required by the curriculum was done and my administrative work was on time or early and (most of the time) perfect...did I mention that it took me 12 years to figure it out though? And then 4 years later, I left the field of child development for a new field - motherhood.  I was told by several people that motherhood and time management, punctuality, and multitasking are mutually exclusive.  Motherhood would break me of my Type A tendencies.  Well, guess what...wrong on both counts.  All I've had to learn is to give myself a little bit more grace because they aren't going to happen 100% of the time, but I have made necessary adjustments that have allowed them to exist peacefully in this realm of motherhood.  The point isn't HOW...the point is that it's possible.  You can't do it all, but you can do a lot. Children are resilient and will morph according to the environment you create for them.  It takes time, practice, more time, and more practice, but whether you are in a classroom or home or some other workplace, you can find your own starting point and improve from there.  Just as in the classroom, we have individualized goals and seek to individualize our programs to fit the needs of each child's needs, interests and temperament, a plan to become more effective at time management, punctuality, and multitasking has to be based on your own individualized needs, interests, and temperament.

Today's lesson: "...but what will they learn?"

When parents walk into a classroom and see crayons and playdough, puzzles and board games, water and sand tables, blocks and trucks...well wait...that's what I see - they see TOYS, and then you tell the parent about the classroom routine consisting of 1 hour of indoor free play and 1 hour of outdoor free play, the worried look passes over their face and inevitably the teacher is asked, "When do they learn?" What they're really asking is, "How will my child be academically successful if all they're doing is playing and when they are in circle time, all you're doing is singing? How will my child ever know their alphabet so they can become the next great American author or their numbers so they will become the next great chemist who discovers the cure for cancer or shapes so they can become the next great architect? Surely, unless they are taught these academic foundations at a desk in rote fashion using flashcards by the time they are 3, they are doomed to academic failure!"  Unfortunately, despite recent studies, many people have yet to recognize the sharp decline in academic performance has coincided with the decrease in opportunities to play. Math scores go down and recess is shortened in order to devote more time to "learning" more math and math scores go down even more.  Children learn though play. Discovery happens during free play - blocks are stacked into towers that sometimes fall and sometimes don't and children learn.  Ramps are constructed - some cars roll down, some fall off, some don't roll fast enough, adjustments are made, and children learn.  A jumble of shapes with indiscernible pictures on them fit together and come together to form a complete picture and one uniform shape, and children learn. Children scoop and pour water and sand (and sometimes the sand into the water and at other times the water into the sand) so that new textures, volumes, and viscosities are created, and children learn. Songs are made up of words...rhyming words....plays on words...words are made up of sounds, those sounds go with a specific letter, and then one day the letter F is shown and the teacher says, "F says 'ffff'" to which an excited child who has been singing Old MacDonald Had a Farm excited exclaims, "Like farm...farm starts with F!" (Much more exciting and engaging then silly flash cards, I think...and so do most 4 and 5 year olds.). Children learn.  BUT MORE IMPORTANT, every parent wants their child to succeed and there's much more to success than academic performance.  There are more important foundations beyond the academic that must be laid before academic excellence can flourish.  A child needs social and emotional competence (conflict resolution, making friendships, cooperation, communication, confidence, taking initiative, and be able to identify and communicate their emotions). Without these foundations, a child will wrestle with insecurity and doubt, and find these so overwhelming that academic success is not just a challenge, but often impossible, leaving a child susceptible to negative peer pressure, bullying, and being a bully (depending on a child's natural temperament). During free play with open ended materials that children have free access to, social and emotional competence is taught and then nurtured.  Children learn academic concepts during free play; but most important, they are laying the foundations needed for academic success - social and emotional competence. Don't forget to let your child play.

Today's lesson: testing physical limits

While supervising my son on a playground designed for toddlers, he was playing alongside a friend who is also a confident crawler. Wait, crawler? Yes, two confident crawlers were getting on to every part of the climbing structure designed for beginning climbers and confident walkers while their mothers hovered using the best of their abilities to prevent a trip, fall, and/or tumble. Thankfully, it never happened, but as we watched we discussed the potential dangers of this confident mobility and the chaos and ouchies that are sure to ensue once the dreaded next step in mobility occurs. To quote my friend, "walk is a four letter word in our house." My son's friend had a teeny owie so then we discussed teeny owies, which lead me to reminisce about my BIG owies I witnessed as a preschool teacher. Children are constantly testing their physical limits...they have a sense of invincibility and as babies have 100% trust that even when their caregiver is out of arms reach, if they fall or get stuck, that caregiver's arms will magically grow and save them immediately. They cannot fall because their caregiver would never let that happen and can defy all physical limits to prevent ANY physical harm, and so they push their bodies to it's absolute limit to learn what it is currently capable of, to find out what else it can do, to figure out what they need to do in order to achieve their next physical goal, to develop confidence, to build socialization foundations, and observe cause and effect relationships. In order to do all of that they will climb up pseudo-rock walls, go head first down slides, go up and down stairs, climb up slides, find the smallest crevice possible and squeeze into it, crawl/walk/run through tubes and molded cut outs in the climbing structure, and they will swing as high as they can. They are not doing it to give their caregiver a hear attack or to turn his/her hair gray or to test him/her. They test their physical limits to learn. Best way to learn about and understand physics. When your little thumps down at the bottom of a slide and then tries the big slide and thumps a little harder on to the rubber/sand/tan bark padded surface, they've just learned that F=ma. Oftentimes there will be teeny owies that a little soap and water won't fix. There will even be a good amount of bandaid-worthy owies. Every once an while there may be alarming owies that causes both caregiver and child to take pause and rethink a plan of action. And rarely, and for some never, there will be ambulance calling/ER visiting owies that result in stitches or a cast. Our job as caregivers is to let a child learn. There has been a movement lately towards sacrificing the learning opportunity for the sake of possibly preventing what maybe could have been an action that maybe could have caused an owie. I'm all about hovering; the younger they are, the closer the hovering is required, but not to the point of sacrificing the learning experience of testing physical limits and maybe even one day becoming the next great physicist. It all starts on the playground.

Today's lesson: outdoor play

Since the dawn of parenthood the battle of a child's high energy level vs. their caregiver's lack thereof has prevailed with both sides taking hits as varying child development theorists, medical professional and behavioral therapists have come along throughout the ages with their "ideas." Through my years teaching preschool and pre-k, I heard many tales of woes concerning such battles.  The tales ranged from not being able to keep up to swearing up and down their child had ADHD to all out tales of destruction followed up with an exasperated "what can I/we do?!" My first question was always, "what kind of access to outdoor activity does your child have?" Typically, their time after school or daycare was very minimal or non-existent, for obvious and valid reasons.  Fortunately for me, most of the episodes occurred over the weekends, which allowed me to open up the discussion about what their child's typical day consists of at school.  Using my most recent and favorite program as an example, in a 3.5 hour program, 1.5 to 2 of those hours were spent outdoors. Often times parents were shocked to find out that their child was still acquiring skills necessary for kindergarten while having such a large chunk of time devoted to outdoor play...cue *gasp.*  Once parents started devoting large amounts of time to outdoor play during the weekends, energy their child's levels lowered making their behavior more manageable and their energy levels increased...win, win.

About a week ago I was contemplating night weaning, as the 2am night feeding has been getting REALLY old, but I had already committed to myself to not night wean until after he turned 1yo. So I dug down deep and found a new determination to survive the waking(s).  Unexpectedly, something magical happened on Wednesday - Clubhouse Funzone in Ventura.  It was a physically challenging environment but after about 30 minutes my son was eager to take on the challenge; we were there for an hour and a half. That night he slept from 7p - 5:30a with no wakings...better yet, since he woke up for the first time at 5:30, he went BACK to sleep for another 2 hours! Yes, please and thank you!  And then on Thursday, another magical place - Oxnard Beach Park (aka the Pirate Park).  That night he slept from 8p - 6:15a with NO night wakings! Could it be I MAY have found the key that unlocks the door to no more night wakings (assuming no teething, developmental milestones, or illness)?! Today I continue the outdoor play experiment.

I have to admit that I let myself get caught up in the mindset of "he's still too little for that" when in fact he's not.  At 10 months old, he's definitely still too little for the climbing structures, but he's not too little to crawl around, eat leaves and sticks, watch the big kids play, be pushed in the swing, and sit in my lap as we go down the slides.  Oh, and did I mention that our mornings are also now spent outside...yeah, an hour a half outside first thing in the morning after breakfast and before AM nap.  So, get outside - not only is it an amazing learning environment, but more importantly drains a child's energy and increases yours.

http://www.notimeforflashcards.com/2012/03/50-simple-outdoor-activities-for-kids.html

Today's lesson: environments

ECERS...if you're in the field of child development, then you know exactly what I am talking about. Just case you aren't, ECERS stands for Early Childhood Environmental Rating Scale.  It is a thorough book outlining just exactly how to put together a learning environment; it was a book I lived by while working in programs that followed NAEYC standards or were actually accredited by them.  Since temporarily retiring from teaching pre-k, I found that it's been very easy to get "lazy" when it comes to intentional learning activities.  Lucky for me, babies are learning ALL the time just by observing and interacting with any environment they are in, but there is a definite lack of professionalism that I have found I miss since my temporary retirement.  It's also difficult when you are the only one holding yourself to a professional standard in your own home with your own child.  But now that my son is on the verge of toddler-hood, I decided I probably should not put off setting up a learning corner any longer.  After finding a steal of a deal on a local FB page, I had what I needed to create a learning corner in my living room for my son.  Taking into account age-appropriateness, variety, level of stimulation and challenge, toys and books were put in bins on shelves.  While the two top levels are still a little high for him to reach, I have no doubt he will quickly grow into it.

Today's lesson: if you build it, he will come...

Since temporarily retiring from teaching pre-k, I have been devoting every waking and sleeping minute to my son in hopes that I am teaching him physical, emotional, social, and cognitive fundamentals in hopes that one day he will be a contributing member of society and more of a positive influence than a pain in society's butt. As my son has grown, I have watched other babies younger and older grow...amazed that my itty bitty is now almost a toddler, but I am also finding myself inadvertently comparing...not in a competitive way, but moreso in an "should my little guy be doing that too?" way, and as more and more babies his age do things with great efficiency that he has even begun to do yet and as younger ones master skills he has no interest in, my mantra of "each baby is different and does things when they're ready in their own time" somehow seems insufficient. Today I was reminded that all the cruising, singing, conversing, crawling, climbing, eating, playing, and all the other things I'm forgetting about right now are laying foundations to what will eventually become a walking, talking, and sociable little person. If I build it, he will come...

Today's lesson: stress is a bitch

I have been a teacher for ALL of my adult life and 4 years prior to that. I have dealt with all sorts of parents, supervisors, co-teachers, policies and procedures, and not to mention a wide array of personalities and temperaments in my students over the 15ish years. You can say there were stressful times because there were, but none like the stress of the last 24 hours. We almost lost our dog because he swallowed a walnut-sized rock, which landed him in the hospital because as it was passing through his system it was tearing him up. My husband was a mess, I was a mess, we have a 10.5 month old baby that still needed to be cared for, and 3 cats who were in an instant cuddly, needy bliss with our dog's absence. It was until this morning, after we got the all clear/our dog is coming home, that I felt the full physical backlash of the last 24 hours - I had lost a pound and a half due to not eating or drinking, my body did not want to function, and I was exhausted. It was a hard day of recovery for me...recovering stress...who knew! My son was amazing today...he stayed mostly out of trouble, came to me when he needed to nurse, and only got into his trash can once. Wish I could say I taught my someone something, but it was just not one of those days.