With what are you trying to heal yourself? What are you breaking yourself against?
It's been a year exactly, one day off from being to the day, of my last entry and here's why...I started feeling overwhelmed with all these additional "mom duties" that no one tells you about and that are largely driven by "mom wars." Many of my friends who are moms have blogs and most of the blogs I read (occasionally) are written by moms who are in the trenches of toddler warfare, as am I. This last year I've become involved and uninvolved in many "mom activities" and hobbies for the same reason: unspoken mom duties that are driven by mommy wars and the inevitable feeling of being overwhelmed because I just couldn't keep up.
What are some of these activities I speak of? Pinterest for one - there are boards for anything and everything that are constantly showing you that you're not doing enough and can always be better. Blogs - everyone is doing it, so write one, no 3 of your own and make sure you're subscribed to at least 5 others. Internet research - little did Al Gore know the monster that it would become (not his fault), but now there is information literally at our fingertips, 24hr a day 7 days a week (thanks, Steve Jobs - again, no blame) that is telling you simultaneously that everything is good for you and everything is bad for you, that you need more and need less, that we're the safest we've ever been before in history and also at the greatest risk, and that you are not doing enough and can always be better. Taking time for you hobbies (you know - exercising, arts and crafts, charity involvement, girl's night outs, etc) and if you can't run a 9 minute mile and design, craft, and decorate you child's bedrooms in a theme that will keep his interest from the time he's 2 until he's 13 and volunteer once a week at the soup kitchen and muster up enough energy after your kiddo is in bed to go out with the girl, well then, you guessed it - you're not doing enough and can always be better. FB Groups and Moms Chat Rooms/Discussion Forums - not for the faint of heart or mind - tried and true, unregulated, 1st Amendment Rights protected battlegrounds
Oh and by the way - the "modern mom" fabricated by mommy wars and way too much information and way too many media outlets that allow easy access to the excessive information is suppose to also keep her home spotless, have dinner ready every night, look perfect, and work outside the home to contribute to the family finances.
But then, in church today, Pastor Daniel posed a stirring question: Do you want to be healed? (Matthew 5:6) It's easy to think of it as literal, but there's much more to it...what is going on in your life that is stressing you out? Are you willing to do what you need to do in order to be healed?
And that's when it hit me, the reason I am in a pattern of involvement and uninvolvement - I DO want to be healed; I'm in a constant pattern of breaking and healing - I can try to heal my mom-self by having the perfect, chemical-free diet or by crafting my son's bunk bed from my own design with 4 nails and two 2x4s or by running and training 5-7 days a week in order to be stronger, faster, harder, and go longer or by telling strangers in a chat room or on a discussion forum or FB group my opinion on the latest post or by researching the latest thing that is now bad for you, addictive, and will eventually kill you or by pinning away recipes that I'll never do but want others to think I'll do or get involved with a charity, but it's all futile, impotent, and exhausting - those things won't heal me.
All those "modern mom activities" distracted me from my calling as Anthony's mom, stole my peace, and killed my joy - I have been breaking myself by allowing myself to be in a pattern of self and other's based validation and trusting myself - "you don't break God's laws, you break yourself against God's laws."- Pastor Daniel. I've been trusting myself and seeking validation in others and myself when I need to trust God and know that I am His beloved and already validated.
I am no longer a "modern mom" - I am Christ's beloved daughter, whom He has blessed with the honor of being Anthony's mom. Yes - I want to be healed, and I no longer want to break myself against God's laws. I feel so much lighter today :)
http://encounterlife.org/con_sermons.cfm?c=1001246&layout=sermonDetail