Today's lesson: redirection, part 2 - home vs. classroom

I lost count many years ago of how many times I heard this (or a variation of it) - "I don't know why (s)he listens so well here, but not at home!" Parents, cut yourself some slack! Teachers have your kids for 4-6 hours M-F, excluding holidays and in-service days, and even if your child is in daycare full time, the fact remains that a school or daycare have one thing in common - the same exact setting and routine that never changes. And I promise you on the days where there is a birthday party or a special presentation, no one's child listens; your child's teachers will say subtle, positive, and non-condemning remarks like "Oh you know, today we had (insert routine disrupting event) so it was just a really exciting day overall, and (insert child's name) really enjoyed him/herself today." In parent talk that means "your child was hyper as hell and didn't listen to a damn thing I said and I wanted to pull my hair out." But there's a reason teachers say it that way. We understand the importance of consistency and routine for a child, so as frustrated (and maybe a little more bald than we were that morning when we came to work) as we are, we KNOW it's not the child's "fault." Their predictable environment was shattered, so they go crazy. As adults (for the most part), we internalize and/or experience physical side effects such as headaches and stomach pains when our routines get disrupted, but kids get hyper and forget how to follow the rules. They forget to follow the rules because rules are specific to their environment AND the supervising adults in that environment; following the rules is not an innate, natural occurrence that transcends all environments. Example - there are implied rules (behaviors) that are deemed appropriate at a sporting event, but as an adult, you know that in church it is not acceptable to yell at the person working the power point projector when the incorrect slide pops up or shout out "ouch! Ooooo" when the worship leader plays or sings the wrong note or words or call out "instant replay!" when filling out your notes and you miss a fill-in-the-blank on your outline. The same cannot be said for a child. Unless it is previously established by the supervising adult, they will do as they please, how they please. So what does that have to do with redirection? You don't have to have a multiples of a single type of toy or a variety of toys. You do not need a huge house or sprawling backyard. You do not need your child's teacher. All it takes is consistency - consistent expectations and consistent consequences to behavior that diverges from what is desired. Before children have the ability to fully comprehend complex verbal explanation (for most children 2 years and under), it's important to use a word or short phrase with an action that communicates that it is an undesired action. My son learned recently not to touch the dirt pile that I sweep up. It took several "not for you"'s and removing him from the pile for about a week (I sweep every other day) but during this most recent cleaning episode I was about 6 feet away and saw him going for the pile, so I firmly said "not for you," he stopped, pulled his hand back, and after telling me no and doing his shooing me away action, he crawled away on his own to play with something else, knowing full well that I would be removing him from the dirt pile if he did not remove himself - he is 11.5 months old. For your older kids, you have verbal communication on your side. Be consistent with what you communicate and model the behavior that you expect from your child. Redirection depends on choices. Giving choices might sound like the kid is calling the shots. Not so. In the classroom the choices look like this - "you can use the scissors to cut you paper or if you're going to cut your hair with them you can put them away." If the child continues to attempt or sucessfully cut one's hair, the choice is given "do you want to put your scissors away or do you want me to put your scissors away?" As opposed to suddenly ripping the scissors out of the child's hands without warning or explanation the first time the child attempted to cut his/her own (or someone else's) hair. At home, choices take on the same feeling with different specifics. The key to to communicate the desired behavior, communicate the consequence give the child a choice as to whether or not (s)he chooses to comply, and in the event the child does not comply, allow that child to initiate the consequence or have it initiated for him/her. Redirection is not the child calling the shots and it is not bargaining. Redirection is using natural, direct consequences to undesired behaviors and clearly communicating and modeling desired behaviors, which means it can happen in your home just as it does in the classroom.

Today's lesson: redirection...what makes it work?

Buzz word alert: redirection! It's replaced the word "consequence" in most conversations concerning discipline, oh oops...I meant encouraging positive behavior. Due to current research, the field of child development has come up with several procedures termed "best practices," one of which is redirection. Redirection occurs when a there is a conflict between children or unwanted/undesired behavior from a particular child by giving the child two choices, and it often includes an element of distraction, just like any successful magic trick. Redirection is exactly what it sounds like an adult is redirecting the child's fixation towards something or someone else that will bring about desired behavior or a more positive environment or interaction. Redirection is not negotiation, but many well meaning supervising adults confuse the two. Example: 4 year old child in sandbox fights with another 4 year old child over awesome dump truck of which the school only has one. Negotiation - if you let him play with it first, then I'll let you have snack first for being so nice. Redirection - you two can decide how you want to use the truck together or I can put the truck away if you can't agree on how you can both use it and we can try again tomorrow. 99% of the time a mutually beneficial arrangement in reached without the adult having to even raise an eyebrow. Let's go younger...less verbal skills...maybe no verbal skills - toddlers fighting over a toy car: Negotiation - teacher says, "please can he have that? How about you have this one? Look how it's prettier and nicer than that one. Redirection: teacher creates some space between the two toddlers, maybe even faces them away from each other, and then takes one of the toddlers (either one) and enthusiastically says "oooo, look at this car!" Toddler takes car and goes to play leaving the other toddler to play with original toy. What makes redirection work so well? When there is a conflict or undesired behavior, it doesn't usurp the supervising adult's authority for the sake of a child's autonomy; it is authoritative, not authoritarian, which has been proven to yield positive relationships and socially and emotionally competent people; it respects all parties involved; and, it does not risk physical harm or send confusing messages like "if I'm bigger, then I'll get my way" or "once I'm bigger I get to make the rules and let the people I like get what they want and the people I don't like won't get anything." I can go on, but for now I won't. I'll write again about redirection in the home versus classroom next time. :)